This email isn't anything in comparison to some of the ones we have received in the past. And I say "We" because all emails from her get forwarded to a close GROUP of my girlfriends. We always chuckle about the insanity. Though, one can imagine how frustrating her emails were when I was younger. Sadly as I age, I just see them as purely entertaining and humorous.
Color codes:
Black - Original text from Mom
Red - My response that I sent to my girlfriends
Green - desiree's reply
Blue - Melissa's response - Mel has the longest knowledge of my mom and has read MILLIONS of these.
A bit of background for your knowledge - Ilana is my ORTHODOX Jewish cousin. She has 5 or 6 kids and is VERY traditional. Her eldest son is 13 in January. She believes him to be the "Messiah". Not kidding.
How are you doing? Does she really want to know? I'm doing really well, life is great! How is your leg healing? It's healing. Thank god for the dogs, it's the only way I can get around. Piston has turned into a horse!
Thank you for the scarf. It's become very handy.i can hear your impression of your mom in this line….love it!!! I've worn it many times. It is practical, even the length. I'm so glad I could finally give you somethink you aren't bitching about AND you think it's practical. As practical as her giving you her used lingerie? hahah
Did you receive my second package with the chain and the ruby. Did you like it? Ya, I like it, but Piston likes it more. It's her new "bling".Yeah, the ruby charm....um that is supposed to bring good fertility. I will NOT be wearing that. Thanks. Renee logic is the best kind of logic.. told you NOT to have kids when you were happily married, once the marriage went bad YES have kids, get rid of the black in your house cause that’s bad luck and when youre single be ubber fertile. Yup!
Ilana called me to let us know that her son is getting Bar Mitzvah on the week end of January 21 through 23. She is giving lots of parties, “and you never come Nicole so FEEL GUILTY!” from the 21st through the 23rd. She wanted to make sure we are invited with open doors. arms? God love her! You can stay with her, if you want, she has a huge house, if you can reserve 4 or 5 days vacation. Isn’t a party only one day? You will have a blast. The invitations are very late because the printer messed up. Odd detail Anyway, we can let her know. But if you don’t come a mean email is soon to come from you neeecole I can get you a ticket if you want. Please let me know. (Yeah, because I want to use my vacation time to go up to MONTREAL in January!!!) you could say you tried but the snow, sleet and hail prohibited it J
Mathilde always asks about you. I give her news that you are OK. Hmmmm another weird detail
So what did you get from Joey, WARNING WARNING!!! Shes searching for something to be mean about! and how is that relationship going? HE got me a dolphin tickler. Have you heard of those? They have them at Hustler and it's a huge vibrator with a tickler on the end for my you know what. DO you know??? Anyways, my relationship is great. BIGGER WARNING!!!! Please don't hide stuff from me about you. You've done that before, and I wish I could have helped during your crazy time with what's his name. His name is douchebag. And I hid it from you, because dealing with him was enough of a challenge let alone my own mother who has these outrageous life goals for me. But don't worry, as soon as I'm knocked up I'll let you know. No drama in this one. does she honestly forget his name…so believable! I am here to help, if you need me. …to judge and make you insane. Please oh please let me J ps… if you break up I will come see you without much warning and throw away your things. Looking forward to that. I don't even have anything to say to this...suggestions, ladies?
I love you and I worry a lot about you. I miss you a lot. O, mom, if you only knew how much I miss you too. In fact, send me a crazy letter, so I can laugh with my friends...kinda like we are now. No one will fight with me quite like you do my dear daughter J
Please take good care of yourself. - right, because since I moved out at 13 and you haven't taken care of me since I obviously don't know how to care for myself.
Mom"
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