Final day...I survived

It's Wednesday. She's gone. I can't believe I survived. I spent NO time with her yesterday because I worked from 7:30am until 11:30pm. Her alarm went off this morning at 5am so she could catch her shuttle to the airport. It obviously woke me too, since we were sharing a hotel room. I turned on the TV because I was awake and when she gets out of the shower, she says "Knee-cole, the TV is too loud." Um, I'm awake and you are awake. How is the TV too loud? I'm convinced she just needed to control one last thing.

But she is gone. GONE people. 3000 miles away. I've likely saved myself for the next 3 or 4 years. PHEW.

ONE MORE DAY

Ok, so really it's two, but I'm not counting Wednesday since she leaves at 6:30am. Today was ridiculous. We went to the courthouse to file the documents. She is so overwhelmingly controlling that she was upset that I had the documents in my hand. THIS IS MY LIFE AND MY DIVORCE. Can I please hold them and read what I am signing? Nope. She wanted to hold them and make sure I don't lose them. Because the fact that I'm completely type A and insanely organized isn't good enough for her. Nope, she needed to hold them. Fine. So I gave them back to her. I was in the parking lot of the courthouse and I couldn't handle it anymore, people. It's been 5 full days and I haven't lost my cool so I screamed at the top of my lungs "FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK".

That was my only outburst. I've been good. Even the time today when she asked me 15 times if I locked my front door. No, mom. I left everything wide fucking open with a flashing light above saying "Rob me".

Seriously, she's stolen my wit today. I'm robbed of words right now. There was the time she thought the attorney was eyeing her and hitting on her, when I think he was looking at her sweater that was buttoned wrong.

Oh! Don't forget how directionally impaired she is...I asked her to meet me by the fountain at the courthouse. It was literally 100 yards away and visible. She says "I can't find it. Take me there."

CONTROL PEOPLE. It's all about control.

The friends part two

So, now that I think about it some more I'm realizing that there are more than 3 voices in her head. There are:

Chef
Attorney
Cleaning lady (aka thief)
Psychic (medium)
Marriage Counselor
Interior Designer
Gardner
Rabbi

Three just didn't sound like a big enough party for the chaos that has been my house since Wednesday.

The most amazing part is that I have NOT lost my cool. I do not know why! It's amazing. This is one of the most hysterical weeks of my life.

Friends

So, no one that I speak with can understand how she can sit in my house for 5 days without going anywhere. Now that she's done throwing away all my rugs, rearranging my furniture and practicing on my house becoming an interior designer, what is she doing all day?

I determined, she's having a party in her head. All her agreeable friends have joined her at my house.

(My version of what goes on in her head)
Crazy Woman: "Hm, I should throw away this rug because it has black in it and black brings bad luck"
Voice #1: "Good Idea"
Voice #2: "You're a genius"
Voice #3: "You should be an interior designer
Nicole: "WTF DID YOU DO WITH MY RUGS"
CW: "They were ugly, you need new ones. Black is bad luck"
Nicole: "Black? it was tan with black trim"
Voice #1: "Hisssss....booooo....black evil."
Voice #2: "That rug is why you got divorced"
CW: "Poussin, you need new rugs"
Nicole: "So go Effing buy me new rugs"
CW: "I can't because I have no money."
Nicole: " Then why the F did you throw my rugs away?!"
Voice 1: "Your daughter is unappreciative"
Voice 2: "Doesn't she know you don't want her house to be surrounded with bad luck?"
Voice 3: "Black is EVIL"

You see...a whole PARTY came with her when she arrived at LAX. This isn't just my mother here. This is a slumber party of a bunch of Crazy Moroccans. Weeeeee!!!! No wonder I'm drinking heavily every night.

Sunday

"kneee-cole, why aren't you a brunette? You are a beautiful brunette."

UM PEOPLE, WTH is the color of my hair? Dark brown. Right. I am a brunette.

Also, did you know that by having a black leather coffee table that it's morbid and I'm asking for bad luck? I was taught today that all the black in my house (I have nothing black except curtains in the master bedroom and a black leather coffee table) that I am asking for bad luck. I guess that bad luck is following me because of my damn coffee table. It has NOTHING to do with the totally mentally unstable husband and everything to do with the black coffee table.

It's 5pm and I just opened a bottle of wine. I can't do this much longer. Countdown is 2.2 days.

She's going to file the documents tomorrow for the divorce. I'm so relieved. I cannot wait to be done with all of this crap.

But, this blog is about the crazy mother not my divorce. She's C-R-A-Z-Y. She decided to kill the weeds outside. Not the correct way, either. I wanted to lay down the weed cloth and she decided to buy some gnarly poison to kill the weeds. Great mother. Try to kill my dog.

OH! I almost forgot. My mother called my orthodox Jewish cousin to pray for me. Yes, she placed the call because she thinks that I need to be prayed for by my ultra conservative and religious cousin. Wouldn't I have to believe in this stuff in order for the prayers to work? If not, then I'm game. Pray away, people.

Also, she wants me to repaint my walls a bright color. The colors in my house are "too dark, Kneecole". Did you know that with small spaces you're not supposed to have dark colors? Well, too bad my colors AREN'T DARK. I have a taupe in my dining room. TAUPE PEOPLE. Desiree helped me pick it and I can assure you that it's a good color.

BUT, don't forget, she wants to be an interior decorator. So, she obviously knows best because "She's the mother".

PS

Isn't there a 4 day rule with family members staying at your house?

ARE YOU SERIOUS? Saturday 3pm

Seriously, people. Why???!!! This is ridiculous. My mother is constantly telling me how similar we are...UM THAT'S NOT A FLIPPING COMPLEMENT. She tells me this like 15 times a minute. So, this morning I am in the kitchen making some coffee and grabbing a piece of pie. She literally was telling me how to pour the coffee better and cut the pie correctly. I finally throw the plate down and say to her "If we're so alike, I understand why my husband left me. I know how to EFFING feed myself."

So, then my mother continues to berate me about how stupid I am and how poor of a wife I was and she wants to teach me how to be a better wife. Remember, she has been married 3 times and obviously figured out the correct way. I finally tell her that I don't care about being a better wife or girlfriend right now because all I want to do is enjoy being single. She is flabbergasted by that because I should be jumping right into another marriage, I am sure. She continues to criticize me and I finally say, "Mother, I do not want any criticism." She responds, "It's not criticism. I want the best for you. It's advice. You don't want my advice? If you had taken my advice from the beginning your marriage would not have failed." I respond, "No, Mom, I do not want your advice." She says, "What?! You want to live in pain and misery." and I simply say "Yes, if that means I don't have to hear your opinion."

Then I'm leaving to go run a few errands. It is 10:45am and she asks if I will be home for lunch. I told her it was unlikely and she said that I needed to come home and eat. Obviously I have to come home and eat because there aren't any restaurants in town. There is no way I could eat while out running errands. NO... I tell her I'm likely not going to be back for lunch and she says "Nicole, you need to eat. You need to get fatter." I respond, "I will never have another boyfriend, much less husband, if I'm fat."

So, I am gone for several hours for obvious reasons. I get a phone call from her telling me that MIke was at the house taking things from the garage. I FLIP out because he's not supposed to be here. Then she calls back again and tells me he is there again. Now, I am PISSED. So, I call him and yell into his voicemail "Please leave my house, you do not have my permission to be there. I am having company. Please leave and do not return."

You know this is going to get ugly, right? Nothing this woman touches turns out right....

So then I text him "Please leave my house. You do not have my permission to be there." NICE.

I then call a neighbor who tells me that MIKE HAS NOT BEEN AT MY HOUSE. He tells me that my neighbor temporarily parked his two cars in my driveway while I was gone because they were loading things in and out of THEIR GARAGE. Are you effing kidding me???!

So, the crazy woman gets me all fired up thinking my ex-husband is stealing shit from my garage and he hadn't even come by. So now he will get a voicemail and a text from me and he will think I'm batshit crazy. I mean, I am crazy, but do we really need to make him hate me anymore. Seriously?

I sent him a text apologizing for the misunderstanding. I blamed it on some neighbor who was concerned. I still feel like an ass for reacting so badly, but like a friend says, "He now gets the point that you don't want him at your house."

I remain hidden in my room. I'm praying that someone will want to do something tonight, so I don't have to stay home with my mother. I'm seriously going insane.

Saturday Morning

Again, I have been awake for an hour and have already had to deal with BS. Her computer is acting funny and she asks me to fix it. What is she working on? A letter to me. One of her infamous letters that will likely make me cringe, cry, kick, scream, act like a 4 year old. She's complaining in this letter about everything I have done wrong in my life. She's bitching about the dog smell in my house, yet she is a smoker and has much room to talk. She's writing about how controlling and rude I am.

THIS WILL BE FUN. I asked her not to send it to me. I am sure it will come after she returns to North Carolina.

Friday Night

Did we really think that one post for a Friday would be enough? Of COURSE NOT. Now, I acknowledge I am posting this on Saturday, but as a result of the crazy woman I was required to drink a bottle of wine last night and did not feel up to posting.

Rewind back to the first day. That day when she painted the fence, gardened the front and back yards, and took 3 hours to clean my already clean refrigerator. I failed to explain the funniest of conversations that day. Again, I was attempting to work and I hear in her French accent

Crazywoman (aka CW from here on): "NICOLE". (pronounced Knee-cole with the accent)
Me: WHAT?!
CW: "NEEEcole, why do you have head and shoulders in the back yard? I threw it away." (remember when you read this to add her accent in...)
Me: I wash the dogs outside. You know, the big dogs. The ones that weigh more than me.
CW: "OOOoohhhhh, I forgot about zem"
Me: and you threw their shampoo away?
CW: Yes, I thought you forgot your shampoo outside.
Me: Because I take cold hose baths everyday in the backyard. (Nevermind that I have an outdoor shower with hot water since I currently and temporarily live at the beach, but she would never see that)
CW: "Why are you so mean to me?"
Me: "I NEED TO WORK."

Fast forward to yesterday afternoon. I'm folding my clean sheets that I had just pulled from the dryer and my lovely friend, Desiree, called.

(Background info: Desiree and I have been friends for about 3 years. However, due to random circumstances she knows MANY stories about CW, as does her boyfriend. In fact, her boyfriend has his own opinion of my mother, an opinion that perhaps we should post about at a later date, that has slightly influenced the opinion of my lovely friend, Des.)

Back to the sheets and phone ringing.

I asked my mother for help folding the sheets because folding sheets is a two-person job.

Me: Mom help
CW: Who are you speaking with? (French accent remember)
Me: Desiree
CW: Desiree, aren't I such a good mom. Tell Knee-cole I am a good mother.
Desiree: "HOLY CRAP"
CW: Desiree, come visit. I've made a weeks worth of food. Come eat.
Me: No Des, she made a month's worth of food. One thing the woman can do is COOK.
CW: (voice raising 10 octaves) I CAN DO MORE THAN COOK. I'm a good mother. Desiree, aren't I a good mother.
Desiree: "Ummmmm, Sure."
Nicole: "Desiree says you're a good mom.
Desiree: OMG she's going to come to my house and throw away my rugs.
Nicole: "I'm calling you back"

So, at this point I had consumed a couple glasses of wine to numb the pain. I'm laughing internally and ignoring the whole situation. Yet, I am still TRYING to work. Of course, I have accomplished NOTHING since this woman has arrived. I'm walking to the bathroom to relieve myself of some of this wine and I hear her say under her breath:

"Maybe I should be an interior decorator, I am full of ideas!"

An interior decorator? In order to decorate you must not THROW THINGS AWAY. She's FLIPPING NUTS people.

Day # 2 part 1

When I was speaking with April yesterday, she suggested I do a daily update
for the week of my mother. Perhaps I can turn it into a movie and make
millions and pay off this stupid house that I'm going to lose.

Woke up today - remember I'm sleeping on the couch because I gave the spare
bed to Mike so I only have one bed in the house. She sits on the couch and
starts to berate me about how rude I am and controlling and asks me if I ever
considered changing that about me since that is likely why my husband left
me. NICE. This is after I returned home and all my stuff was thrown out. My
rugs are officially in the trash. I have no hall runners. She left them
outside over night in the dew. Special, right? Yet, I'm the controlling
one. THIS IS MY HOUSE.

So, just like everyone suggested, I decided to give her a task. I take her
grocery shopping so she can cook for a week. We ran all over town to get the
right groceries - visited 3 stores and Costco. My phone is ringing OFF THE
HOOK because I am working. She cannot understand that I have a job. Finally
at 11am I tell her that I had to get back to the house to work. We return and
I'm trying to do some stuff and she keeps asking me questions. I grab my cell
phone and notebook and walk to the beach. I literally am speaking to
customers while at the beach because I could not function here and my phone
beeps. Its HER. I was gone for 30 minutes and she calls me, "Nicole, I
cannot find you. Where are you? I am worried." SERIOUSLY PEOPLE. I cannot
breathe.

So, I eat lunch. Of course it is delicious because the woman can C-O-O-K. I
tell her that I need to go work and that I cannot be bothered. I am sitting here for 4 minutes and I hear "NICOLE". WHAT?

"Don't forget to wash your jeans and the sheets"

IS THAT SO IMPORTANT? Seriously. Wow, the woman won't let me breathe.

I'm about to open a bottle of wine. It's not even 2pm yet. It will be gone
by 6. I will be drunk and asleep early. I have to hide. There isn't enough
wine or xanax in this world to save me right now. HAH.

Day # 1

The woman has been here for 24 hours. She has painted the gate, the posts, gardened the front yard and back yard, thrown things away that I did not give permission, removed the hall and kitchen runners and I cannot find them, reorganized my cabinet under the sink and cleaned out the fridge and threw everything away. Even the chicken broth I use for piston. EVERYTHING. Now she's threatening to leave because I'm unappreciative. SHE DEMANDED TO COME. I told her I was fine. She said she needed to come for Her, not for me. So, she booked a ticket without my permission. She didn't check my schedule. Nothing. I have meetings all next week and she wants to go stay in the hotel with me in LA. She refuses to change her flight to Monday to make my life easier. She's FUCKING NUTS.