Crazy email part deux - No Kids???!!!

Colored responses:

I'm adding the best of each of my friend's responses to the email.

Mom - black Italics
Mel - Red
Des - Green
Natalia - Pink
Nicole - purple


OK, it is your choice not to go, but if you think about it you haven't seen the family in about 20 years. No I haven't and I probably won't for another 20 because not only do I have zero in common with them, I don't appreciate the preaching that is much anticipated.

This is ridiculous, but have it your way. now its ridiculous… you just said it was my choice AND you gave me a few weeks notice to take off a week of work to a one day party in -8 degree weather in Canada in JANUARY…who is ridiculous now?

However, please understand that you put me in a very bad position every time I go to a party, because I have run out of excuses on your behalf trying to cover up the real reason as to why you do not want to go, and that is that you do not want to have anything to do with my family. Let’s not forget that her being in a good position and being able to brag and show off to her friends is much more important than her hard working daughter sacrificing her vacation and money to attend some event for people that could really give a rats *ss about her.

Again that is your choice, but I run out of excuses, so this time I will tell them the truth, and I will feel better. that Nicole has a job and didn’t want to be stranded on an icy death wish runway for 3 days to go to a jewish party… shes only a halfer people!

And the next time they call me for your address to send you an invitation, I will tell them not to bother. They can come and visit you if they are so distressed by your absence. FYI - I HAVE NEVER RECEIVED AN INVITATION FOR ANY EVENT. I WILL NOT ATTEND AN EVENT OF WHICH I DID NOT SEE SAID INVITATION, IN CASE I WAS NOT INVITED. I really like the idea of telling them they can come visit me if they are distressed.

Also your situation with Joey sounds fine for now, ouch…we knew that was coming! until he decides to want to get married and have his own children. It is unfathomable that he could very well not want children either, because there are no happy childless couple out there.

Are you prepared to either say yes to the proposal? or tell him to take a hike? Just be prepared because either is going to happen. Hmmm this may shock you mom but we HAVE HAD that discussion. I mean, she thinks I just am a vagina and we have no discussions about anything. Joey has all the control over the relationship and if/when HE wants to get married, I'm juts SOL.

People change, grow up, mature and he may very well want to do those things later. Just be prepared. Bandaids, flashlights, batteries….. check! Be prepared for what? An earthquake? Joey changing his mind that he doesn't like me? What? Hahahah!

As far as you not getting married "ever" again, is saying: "I want to punish myself because my marriage did not work out". Understood. Point taken. You've learned a lesson and you move on. You know what to do. I am here to help. The best marriages happen late in life. DUH…later in life you meet a guy that you charge rent! I’m in! shes kind of a sneaky genius!

I am not worried about you getting married or not, I leave those things to God. He will decide that. Obviously you are because you rant for an hour about me getting married...Who ever that man is, God will make it happen, and you cannot defy the love that will come your way, when it is meant to be. God will bring you that man IN YOUR FACE. So please be prepared to do, what Joey may do to you later. Give yourself another chance, and be positive. Keep your mind, ears, eyes open. If God gives you a child or children, that is because it is meant to be. It will be the right time for God, may be not for you. Don't defy, thank the moment of good things happening. Who will you leave your hard earned money to? If nobody or to a stranger, then I might as well stop working, and spend your inheritance. You're right! We should all stop working if I'm going to die without anyone to give my inheritance to...I mean, god forbid I retire young and travel. Again, all I am saying, is accept the good luck God gives you. That’s it! She's right! its all about luck that God gives me. I have ZERO control over my own life. Wow, thanks for the insight. I can stop worrying about paying my bills now. God will fix it all.

Keep an open mind, behave. Serious men, look for the behavior of classy, stable women, who listens to them, and are not judgmental. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???? BEHAVE??? Wow.

If you do not like what you hear, keep your mouth shut and move on. Men search all the time at the woman they want to marry, No sorry men search for a woman to take home for the night if they see what they are looking for, they will never let you go. How romantic! Your idea of romantic is far different than mine. Let me let you in on a little something. Romantic to me is having sex, next to candle light (with a dolphin tickler) after a shared bottle of wine and some good pork!

I return to work Monday. Thank god, or whoever, you'll keep busy and out of my life.

Have a healthy, happy, prosperous, peace in mind New Year. And may God bring you the love of your life. God says "A man for a woman, and a woman for a man". He knows what to do. Trust him and your instinct. Thank God I'm not gay! could you imagine? God doesn't say "a woman for a woman, a man for a man" I'd be screwed!

I wish you all the best. So cliche, no you don't. You wish me the best as long as it's what you've told me to do.

Mom

Latest email

So, we all know that my mom drives me crazy. I haven't posted since she left a couple years ago but after sending the below email to my girlfriends I decided to post it again. We all know that my mom sends the most ridiculous gifts (Tupperware, used lingerie, bras that are 3 sizes too big, items that are supposed to help with fertility...even though I'm single)

This email isn't anything in comparison to some of the ones we have received in the past. And I say "We" because all emails from her get forwarded to a close GROUP of my girlfriends. We always chuckle about the insanity. Though, one can imagine how frustrating her emails were when I was younger. Sadly as I age, I just see them as purely entertaining and humorous.

Color codes:
Black - Original text from Mom
Red - My response that I sent to my girlfriends
Green - desiree's reply
Blue - Melissa's response - Mel has the longest knowledge of my mom and has read MILLIONS of these.

A bit of background for your knowledge - Ilana is my ORTHODOX Jewish cousin. She has 5 or 6 kids and is VERY traditional. Her eldest son is 13 in January. She believes him to be the "Messiah". Not kidding.

" Hello pumpkin, ive noticed she has a new nickname (good AND bad) with every letter, email and phone call….nickname=love??)

How are you doing? Does she really want to know? I'm doing really well, life is great! How is your leg healing? It's healing. Thank god for the dogs, it's the only way I can get around. Piston has turned into a horse!

Thank you for the scarf. It's become very handy.i can hear your impression of your mom in this line….love it!!! I've worn it many times. It is practical, even the length. I'm so glad I could finally give you somethink you aren't bitching about AND you think it's practical. As practical as her giving you her used lingerie? hahah

Did you receive my second package with the chain and the ruby. Did you like it? Ya, I like it, but Piston likes it more. It's her new "bling".Yeah, the ruby charm....um that is supposed to bring good fertility. I will NOT be wearing that. Thanks. Renee logic is the best kind of logic.. told you NOT to have kids when you were happily married, once the marriage went bad YES have kids, get rid of the black in your house cause that’s bad luck and when youre single be ubber fertile. Yup!

Ilana called me to let us know that her son is getting Bar Mitzvah on the week end of January 21 through 23. She is giving lots of parties, “and you never come Nicole so FEEL GUILTY!” from the 21st through the 23rd. She wanted to make sure we are invited with open doors. arms? God love her! You can stay with her, if you want, she has a huge house, if you can reserve 4 or 5 days vacation. Isn’t a party only one day? You will have a blast. The invitations are very late because the printer messed up. Odd detail Anyway, we can let her know. But if you don’t come a mean email is soon to come from you neeecole I can get you a ticket if you want. Please let me know. (Yeah, because I want to use my vacation time to go up to MONTREAL in January!!!) you could say you tried but the snow, sleet and hail prohibited it J

Mathilde always asks about you. I give her news that you are OK. Hmmmm another weird detail

So what did you get from Joey, WARNING WARNING!!! Shes searching for something to be mean about! and how is that relationship going? HE got me a dolphin tickler. Have you heard of those? They have them at Hustler and it's a huge vibrator with a tickler on the end for my you know what. DO you know??? Anyways, my relationship is great. BIGGER WARNING!!!! Please don't hide stuff from me about you. You've done that before, and I wish I could have helped during your crazy time with what's his name. His name is douchebag. And I hid it from you, because dealing with him was enough of a challenge let alone my own mother who has these outrageous life goals for me. But don't worry, as soon as I'm knocked up I'll let you know. No drama in this one. does she honestly forget his name…so believable! I am here to help, if you need me. …to judge and make you insane. Please oh please let me J ps… if you break up I will come see you without much warning and throw away your things. Looking forward to that. I don't even have anything to say to this...suggestions, ladies?

I love you and I worry a lot about you. I miss you a lot. O, mom, if you only knew how much I miss you too. In fact, send me a crazy letter, so I can laugh with my friends...kinda like we are now. No one will fight with me quite like you do my dear daughter J

Please take good care of yourself. - right, because since I moved out at 13 and you haven't taken care of me since I obviously don't know how to care for myself.

Mom"

Final day...I survived

It's Wednesday. She's gone. I can't believe I survived. I spent NO time with her yesterday because I worked from 7:30am until 11:30pm. Her alarm went off this morning at 5am so she could catch her shuttle to the airport. It obviously woke me too, since we were sharing a hotel room. I turned on the TV because I was awake and when she gets out of the shower, she says "Knee-cole, the TV is too loud." Um, I'm awake and you are awake. How is the TV too loud? I'm convinced she just needed to control one last thing.

But she is gone. GONE people. 3000 miles away. I've likely saved myself for the next 3 or 4 years. PHEW.

ONE MORE DAY

Ok, so really it's two, but I'm not counting Wednesday since she leaves at 6:30am. Today was ridiculous. We went to the courthouse to file the documents. She is so overwhelmingly controlling that she was upset that I had the documents in my hand. THIS IS MY LIFE AND MY DIVORCE. Can I please hold them and read what I am signing? Nope. She wanted to hold them and make sure I don't lose them. Because the fact that I'm completely type A and insanely organized isn't good enough for her. Nope, she needed to hold them. Fine. So I gave them back to her. I was in the parking lot of the courthouse and I couldn't handle it anymore, people. It's been 5 full days and I haven't lost my cool so I screamed at the top of my lungs "FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK".

That was my only outburst. I've been good. Even the time today when she asked me 15 times if I locked my front door. No, mom. I left everything wide fucking open with a flashing light above saying "Rob me".

Seriously, she's stolen my wit today. I'm robbed of words right now. There was the time she thought the attorney was eyeing her and hitting on her, when I think he was looking at her sweater that was buttoned wrong.

Oh! Don't forget how directionally impaired she is...I asked her to meet me by the fountain at the courthouse. It was literally 100 yards away and visible. She says "I can't find it. Take me there."

CONTROL PEOPLE. It's all about control.

The friends part two

So, now that I think about it some more I'm realizing that there are more than 3 voices in her head. There are:

Chef
Attorney
Cleaning lady (aka thief)
Psychic (medium)
Marriage Counselor
Interior Designer
Gardner
Rabbi

Three just didn't sound like a big enough party for the chaos that has been my house since Wednesday.

The most amazing part is that I have NOT lost my cool. I do not know why! It's amazing. This is one of the most hysterical weeks of my life.

Friends

So, no one that I speak with can understand how she can sit in my house for 5 days without going anywhere. Now that she's done throwing away all my rugs, rearranging my furniture and practicing on my house becoming an interior designer, what is she doing all day?

I determined, she's having a party in her head. All her agreeable friends have joined her at my house.

(My version of what goes on in her head)
Crazy Woman: "Hm, I should throw away this rug because it has black in it and black brings bad luck"
Voice #1: "Good Idea"
Voice #2: "You're a genius"
Voice #3: "You should be an interior designer
Nicole: "WTF DID YOU DO WITH MY RUGS"
CW: "They were ugly, you need new ones. Black is bad luck"
Nicole: "Black? it was tan with black trim"
Voice #1: "Hisssss....booooo....black evil."
Voice #2: "That rug is why you got divorced"
CW: "Poussin, you need new rugs"
Nicole: "So go Effing buy me new rugs"
CW: "I can't because I have no money."
Nicole: " Then why the F did you throw my rugs away?!"
Voice 1: "Your daughter is unappreciative"
Voice 2: "Doesn't she know you don't want her house to be surrounded with bad luck?"
Voice 3: "Black is EVIL"

You see...a whole PARTY came with her when she arrived at LAX. This isn't just my mother here. This is a slumber party of a bunch of Crazy Moroccans. Weeeeee!!!! No wonder I'm drinking heavily every night.

Sunday

"kneee-cole, why aren't you a brunette? You are a beautiful brunette."

UM PEOPLE, WTH is the color of my hair? Dark brown. Right. I am a brunette.

Also, did you know that by having a black leather coffee table that it's morbid and I'm asking for bad luck? I was taught today that all the black in my house (I have nothing black except curtains in the master bedroom and a black leather coffee table) that I am asking for bad luck. I guess that bad luck is following me because of my damn coffee table. It has NOTHING to do with the totally mentally unstable husband and everything to do with the black coffee table.

It's 5pm and I just opened a bottle of wine. I can't do this much longer. Countdown is 2.2 days.

She's going to file the documents tomorrow for the divorce. I'm so relieved. I cannot wait to be done with all of this crap.

But, this blog is about the crazy mother not my divorce. She's C-R-A-Z-Y. She decided to kill the weeds outside. Not the correct way, either. I wanted to lay down the weed cloth and she decided to buy some gnarly poison to kill the weeds. Great mother. Try to kill my dog.

OH! I almost forgot. My mother called my orthodox Jewish cousin to pray for me. Yes, she placed the call because she thinks that I need to be prayed for by my ultra conservative and religious cousin. Wouldn't I have to believe in this stuff in order for the prayers to work? If not, then I'm game. Pray away, people.

Also, she wants me to repaint my walls a bright color. The colors in my house are "too dark, Kneecole". Did you know that with small spaces you're not supposed to have dark colors? Well, too bad my colors AREN'T DARK. I have a taupe in my dining room. TAUPE PEOPLE. Desiree helped me pick it and I can assure you that it's a good color.

BUT, don't forget, she wants to be an interior decorator. So, she obviously knows best because "She's the mother".