Friday Night

Did we really think that one post for a Friday would be enough? Of COURSE NOT. Now, I acknowledge I am posting this on Saturday, but as a result of the crazy woman I was required to drink a bottle of wine last night and did not feel up to posting.

Rewind back to the first day. That day when she painted the fence, gardened the front and back yards, and took 3 hours to clean my already clean refrigerator. I failed to explain the funniest of conversations that day. Again, I was attempting to work and I hear in her French accent

Crazywoman (aka CW from here on): "NICOLE". (pronounced Knee-cole with the accent)
Me: WHAT?!
CW: "NEEEcole, why do you have head and shoulders in the back yard? I threw it away." (remember when you read this to add her accent in...)
Me: I wash the dogs outside. You know, the big dogs. The ones that weigh more than me.
CW: "OOOoohhhhh, I forgot about zem"
Me: and you threw their shampoo away?
CW: Yes, I thought you forgot your shampoo outside.
Me: Because I take cold hose baths everyday in the backyard. (Nevermind that I have an outdoor shower with hot water since I currently and temporarily live at the beach, but she would never see that)
CW: "Why are you so mean to me?"
Me: "I NEED TO WORK."

Fast forward to yesterday afternoon. I'm folding my clean sheets that I had just pulled from the dryer and my lovely friend, Desiree, called.

(Background info: Desiree and I have been friends for about 3 years. However, due to random circumstances she knows MANY stories about CW, as does her boyfriend. In fact, her boyfriend has his own opinion of my mother, an opinion that perhaps we should post about at a later date, that has slightly influenced the opinion of my lovely friend, Des.)

Back to the sheets and phone ringing.

I asked my mother for help folding the sheets because folding sheets is a two-person job.

Me: Mom help
CW: Who are you speaking with? (French accent remember)
Me: Desiree
CW: Desiree, aren't I such a good mom. Tell Knee-cole I am a good mother.
Desiree: "HOLY CRAP"
CW: Desiree, come visit. I've made a weeks worth of food. Come eat.
Me: No Des, she made a month's worth of food. One thing the woman can do is COOK.
CW: (voice raising 10 octaves) I CAN DO MORE THAN COOK. I'm a good mother. Desiree, aren't I a good mother.
Desiree: "Ummmmm, Sure."
Nicole: "Desiree says you're a good mom.
Desiree: OMG she's going to come to my house and throw away my rugs.
Nicole: "I'm calling you back"

So, at this point I had consumed a couple glasses of wine to numb the pain. I'm laughing internally and ignoring the whole situation. Yet, I am still TRYING to work. Of course, I have accomplished NOTHING since this woman has arrived. I'm walking to the bathroom to relieve myself of some of this wine and I hear her say under her breath:

"Maybe I should be an interior decorator, I am full of ideas!"

An interior decorator? In order to decorate you must not THROW THINGS AWAY. She's FLIPPING NUTS people.