ARE YOU SERIOUS? Saturday 3pm

Seriously, people. Why???!!! This is ridiculous. My mother is constantly telling me how similar we are...UM THAT'S NOT A FLIPPING COMPLEMENT. She tells me this like 15 times a minute. So, this morning I am in the kitchen making some coffee and grabbing a piece of pie. She literally was telling me how to pour the coffee better and cut the pie correctly. I finally throw the plate down and say to her "If we're so alike, I understand why my husband left me. I know how to EFFING feed myself."

So, then my mother continues to berate me about how stupid I am and how poor of a wife I was and she wants to teach me how to be a better wife. Remember, she has been married 3 times and obviously figured out the correct way. I finally tell her that I don't care about being a better wife or girlfriend right now because all I want to do is enjoy being single. She is flabbergasted by that because I should be jumping right into another marriage, I am sure. She continues to criticize me and I finally say, "Mother, I do not want any criticism." She responds, "It's not criticism. I want the best for you. It's advice. You don't want my advice? If you had taken my advice from the beginning your marriage would not have failed." I respond, "No, Mom, I do not want your advice." She says, "What?! You want to live in pain and misery." and I simply say "Yes, if that means I don't have to hear your opinion."

Then I'm leaving to go run a few errands. It is 10:45am and she asks if I will be home for lunch. I told her it was unlikely and she said that I needed to come home and eat. Obviously I have to come home and eat because there aren't any restaurants in town. There is no way I could eat while out running errands. NO... I tell her I'm likely not going to be back for lunch and she says "Nicole, you need to eat. You need to get fatter." I respond, "I will never have another boyfriend, much less husband, if I'm fat."

So, I am gone for several hours for obvious reasons. I get a phone call from her telling me that MIke was at the house taking things from the garage. I FLIP out because he's not supposed to be here. Then she calls back again and tells me he is there again. Now, I am PISSED. So, I call him and yell into his voicemail "Please leave my house, you do not have my permission to be there. I am having company. Please leave and do not return."

You know this is going to get ugly, right? Nothing this woman touches turns out right....

So then I text him "Please leave my house. You do not have my permission to be there." NICE.

I then call a neighbor who tells me that MIKE HAS NOT BEEN AT MY HOUSE. He tells me that my neighbor temporarily parked his two cars in my driveway while I was gone because they were loading things in and out of THEIR GARAGE. Are you effing kidding me???!

So, the crazy woman gets me all fired up thinking my ex-husband is stealing shit from my garage and he hadn't even come by. So now he will get a voicemail and a text from me and he will think I'm batshit crazy. I mean, I am crazy, but do we really need to make him hate me anymore. Seriously?

I sent him a text apologizing for the misunderstanding. I blamed it on some neighbor who was concerned. I still feel like an ass for reacting so badly, but like a friend says, "He now gets the point that you don't want him at your house."

I remain hidden in my room. I'm praying that someone will want to do something tonight, so I don't have to stay home with my mother. I'm seriously going insane.